Every
story has a beginning, a starting point....a birth. And so, thanks to
Thlay, us Black Rockers now get to read about our ancient origins.
Enjoy, and please remember that this is Rated -Thlay-.
To those of you who are new, that means that there will be some
language that some might find offensive. Read at your own discretion.
1-1. In the beginning Astro-God created
the heaven and the earth. Mostly because he was bored and needed
something to play with.
1-2. And the earth was without
form, and void like many of his girlfriends; and darkness was upon the
face of the deep. And the Spirit of Astro-God moved upon the face of
the waters. All this water made him feel the need to go pee-pee.
1-3.
And Astro-God said, Let there be light: and there was light: and he was
like whoa.
1-4. And Astro-God saw the light, and that it was bright. And Astro-God
said “Damn that shit is bright” and he turned it off again and took a
nap. Astro-God woke up later, scratched himself and then divided the
light from the darkness.
1-5. And Astro-God called the light Day, and he laughed
because it rhymed with Gay, and the darkness he called Night for no
apparent reason at all. And the evening and the morning were the first
day (hee hee gay).
1-6. And Astro-God said, let there be a firmament in the midst of the
waters because He was tired of wet socks, and let it divide the waters
from the waters.
1-7. And Astro-God made the firmament, and divided the
waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above
the firmament: and it was so. That is an ass-load of firmament he
thought.
1-8. And Astro-God called the firmament The Black Rock. And then
Astro-God wondered why he kept saying firmament, but he never really
figured it out. And the evening and the morning were the second day.
1-9. And Astro-God said let the waters under The Black
Rock be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry land appear:
and it was so.
1-10. And Astro-God called the dry land earth; and the
gathering together of the waters called The Seas: and Astro-God saw
that it was good.
1-11. And Astro-God said, Let the earth bring forth grass,
the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit after his
kind, whose seed is in itself, upon the earth: and it was so.
1-12. And the earth brought forth grass, and herb yielding
seed after his kind, so Astro-God smoked all that shit up. Then
Astro-God said screw the fruit and brought forth Doritos, fore he had
the munchies: and Astro-God saw that it was good.
1-13. And the evening and the morning were the third day. Astro-God slept well that night.
1-14. And Astro-God said, Let there be lights in the
firmament (yes bitch, more firmament he said) of the Black Rock to
divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs (stop,
children at play, Hurley Crossing, etc.), and for seasons, and for
days, and years: mainly this was so folks could not worry about Lost
(which he created later) during the summer.
1-15. And let them be for lights in the firmament (sigh) of the heaven to give light upon the earth: and it was so.
1-16. And Astro-God made two great lights; the first light to rule the
day and he named that light Abbiegail444, and the other light to rule
the night and that he named Thlaylirah: he made the stars also.
1-17. And Astro-God set them in the firmament (kill me) of the heaven to give light upon the earth,
1-18. And these two great lights were to rule over the day
and over the night, and to divide the light from the darkness, and to
determine those who were creative and those who were ThunderTards: and
Astro-God saw that it was good fore now he did not have to do that
himself.
1-19. And the evening and the morning were the fourth day
and Astro-God created the futon and hookers. Of that day I will say no
more.
1-20. And Astro-God said, Let the waters bring forth abundantly the
moving creature that hath use of a computer. And let those come forth
and enjoy the fruits of his labor. Astro-god created many various forms
of life, a Bat that may fly above the earth, a Snake that may slither
in the bush: his Secret Son and the Versed one. And in the open
firmament of the Black Rock, He created many users.
1-21. But in doing so, Astro-God created every living creature that
moveth, which the waters brought forth abundantly, after their kind,
and every winged fowl after his kind: and Astro-God saw that it wasn’t
all that good. The Black Rock began to become over run with mongoloids.
1-22. But Astro-God was merciful, and he blessed them,
saying, Be fruitful, and multiply (that means boinking), and fill the
waters in the seas, and let fowl multiply in the earth. This was a bad
idea.
1-23. And the evening and the morning were the fifth day, and Astro-God worried for The Black Rock.
1-24. And as Astro-God had said, his creations were
fruitful and they did multiply. The first creation was Lost_Mad and she
was evil and a bit stupid. And Astro-God worried that the Black Rock
would be over run with morons.
1-25. So Astro-God made the beast of the earth out of the Night that
was known as Thlaylirah. With this, he created his God of War to rule
over the tards. This seemed to him like a good idea, until the God of
War called a user “stupid douche”: Astro-God saw that it was not all
that good and peed in his pants a little.
1-26. And Astro-God said, crap. And he knew that this
would not work. So he decided to make the goddess of the wind out of
the Day that was known as Abbiegail444. With this, he created the
Goddess of Peace to protect the tards. And this worked well, because
she gave temperance to Thlaylirah’s anger and quick temper.
1-27. And Astro-God blessed them because they worked well
and that meant Astro-God could go back to the futon and be fruitful,
and multiply, and replenish the earth,
1-28. And Astro-God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing
seed, which is upon the face of all the Black Rock, and I have given
you Doritos and Hurley. What more do you fuckers want, fore he had
spent too much time with the God of War. But his subjects loved him so
by now that he could do no wrong.
1-29. And to every being of the Black Rock, and to every fowl of the
air, and to every thing that creepeth upon the Black Rock, he shared
his creation: and it was good.
1-30. And Astro-God saw every thing that he had made, and,
behold, it was very good. And he and his God of War and his Goddess of
Peace basked in the love of their fellow rockers. And the evening and
the morning were the sixth day.
1-31. On the Seventh Day, Astro-God slept, and all was good. Except for the fact that Thlaylirah tea-bagged him.
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